Commitment & Boredom

I’ve always struggled with commitment. I’m a starter, not a finisher. I can’t even begin to describe how many quarter-read books are on my shelves, half-finished paintings are in my closets, notebooks sit hardly used in my desk… I find hobbies and go all in, then forget about them a few days, or weeks, later. Most recently? Clay. I spent about $50 on polymer clay and the tools I need to make awesome little clay figures and pins, and guess what? I made a pizza about a week ago and it’s sitting unbaked on my bookshelf right now, the package of new tools still sitting unopened on the counter.

This has spanned my entire life. I quit ballet, gymnastics, learning the drums and bass guitar, soccer, art classes, photography, among other things throughout my life. My parents never pushed my brother and I to finish anything…probably because they are the same! I can’t count how many new and bizarre projects are going on at my house when I visit: barrels of Welch’s grape juice turning into wine, sausages hanging from the ceilings of our pantry to dry, chickens in our side yard, beer and kombucha fermenting in the old office, ginger beer brewing in the garage, gardens sprouting from the earth, remodeling projects… And this is just the start of it.

This is a difficult trait to have as a writer especially. The empty notebooks and journals thing is the most annoying to me. I can’t tell you how many New Year’s Resolutions I’ve made to start journaling – first everyday, but that was too much, so then once a week, but that was too hard too, so then just whenever I felt like it (aka, almost never). I’m a writer when I have the inspiration, the platform, the grade hovering over my head, but not so much in my free time. Netflix or walking the dog takes precedence.

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So far the biggest commitment in my life in my new (and only) tattoo. Even more so than being and living with my boyfriend of over 4 years. Tattoos are forever. This sucker is coming with my to my grave. It took me years to finally commit to getting a tattoo. Why? BECAUSE I SUCK AT COMMITMENT. But, in the case of a tattoo, I guess that’s a good thing. If I was impulsive I’d have at least 20 different shitty tattoos that I’d hate right now. In this case, I think my fear–no, just lack of commitment came in handy.

Here’s even more proof for you: my drafts file on this very blog I’m typing. At times I’ve had up to 5 unfinished, barely started post drafts.

Jobs: I change jobs every 6 months to a year. Once I’ve risen to the highest place I can rise, I’m bored. My current job I’m now planning on leaving, with an interview lined up somewhere else already, simply because I know I can’t go any higher and I’m bored. In San Diego I had my dream job! I was the manager of a yoga studio. There I was able to write, do yoga, manage, social media, and be around happy, positive people all the time! It was so gorgeous. Why did I leave? Boredom. I became manager within a few months and was pretty much running the place so it was time for me to move on.

Is this a youth thing? Can I blame it on that? Oh, I’m young, I’m just figuring out where I want to be. Not really, I mean, mostly it’s a “I’m poor” thing, and I have enough work experience and skills to where I can be choosy. If I had the money, I’d open my own yoga studio AND pit bull rescue & rehab center AND restaurant AND travel the world. So it’s not that I have low ambitions: my ambitions are too high. Like, unrealistically high. I’m the manager now? Cool, that means I can run my own studio/restaurant/whatever so it’s time for me to quit and find another job that will give me more experience in another field.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like nothing is permanent? Like you’re just waiting things out until you become bored? And what’s the solution? Travel? My coworker was hating our job so much until she got back from Cuba the other day. Yesterday she was in the best mood I’ve ever seen her in. I mean, happy, laughing, being goofy and funny. I haven’t seen her like that in months. Maybe travel is a way for us to better appreciate where we are. I know that coming back from Bali made me appreciate the solid foundation my studio job gave me. It made me appreciate the relationships I had built there.

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Recently (like… within the last week) I’ve decided to establish a sense of organization within the chaos. This is important to me and something I try to tell others: Do not try and change parts about you that may seem like flaws or quirks – simply find ways to work with them and make them benefit you. I’m not going to try and make myself commit to things more. I’ve tried, and that makes me extremely unhappy. Instead, I’m finding ways to structure my life so that I can work with and around my disorganized, messy, uncommitted lifestyle:

  1. Setting up a routine. Mornings are for writing. As you can tell, I’ve been updating this blog more often. Since I don’t work until the evening most days, I am, no matter what, going to write (or start) a blog post at least every other day.
  2. Simplifying & using my bullet journal. When I got into bullet journaling I got into it. It didn’t last too long though. I have since majorly simplified my formatting in my journal to make using it much more accessible. Now that it’s no longer taking me an hour to set up a single spread, I can actually enjoy using it as a planner. I’ve already felt much more organized and on top of things.
  3. Cleaning a little everyday. I’m notorious for letting our apartment turn into a dump before spending an entire day cleaning it. Instead, now I’m focusing on one little place each day: the kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, the bathroom. Pick one and clean it up. It takes 10 minutes.
  4. Enjoying life moreI find I get bored mostly when I’m lonely, stuck in a rut, and not doing anything new or exciting. I’m stingy with money because money is always tight. Because of this I never buy myself anything that isn’t necessary. Most my clothes I’ve had for years, some even with holes in them. While I’m not going to go buy myself a full spa day, I did spend about $30 at Lush on a few bath bombs (I’m a bath addict, seriously) and a nice lip balm. When those run out, I will let myself go shopping and get a few sweaters for winter. I’ve been treating myself to a bottle of wine (hey, I share it!) now and then, and making plans with friends more.
  5. Asking for help. Another thing I never do… But instead of “just doing it” I’ve been asking my boyfriend for help more. A “please do the dishes” or “can you get the laundry” goes a long way. I find when I’m stressed and overworked and tired I tend to get that anxious, I-need-a-major-life-change feeling more easily.

For all of you reading who are similar in this way to me, I hope this has helped. Funny enough, I find that fellow Tauruses (Taurine? Tauri? Taurean?) have this same trait.

How do you deal with feeling bored with your situations?

xo Kaylie

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